#25 - Couch Removal - $50 I hired a guy off of Craigslist to take away my old couch and my fifty dollars.

#25 - Couch Removal - $50

I hired a guy off of Craigslist to take away my old couch and my fifty dollars.

#24 - Flat Iron Steak Dinner, Medium Rare at Pete’s Cafe - $31 What a perfectly fine meal to enjoy after a long hard day of mining coal in the 1920s. You know who shouldn’t enjoy this meal? A woman (hahahaha. jk. notreallythough). By woman, I very specifically mean - goes by the christian name “Nadia Jean Bacon”, single mother of three absolutely gorgeous dogs, scratching 30 (30 is the new 60!*), could lose a “few” pounds but is still within her BMI but hey let’s not push it, blogs at 2am in the morning, just remembered she has a wedding to go to in less than a week, just googled “Maple Syrup Diet”. A Sunday consisting primarily of sleeping-in AND rigorous napping should not be rewarded with solid food and most certainly not a steak. Excuse me, I have to go look up the word “svelte” in the dictionary and act really surprised when the words “not you” stare back at me. (1. if you are reading this and you are not my therapist. whoops. sorry. too! much! information!  2. if you are reading this and you wrote this, stop lying about having a therapist and go find one on the internets. but first, go watch “Mission Impossible Raccoon” on Youtube. 3. if you are reading this and you are a guy, oh no no no. you should not be.  *http://www.guardian.co.uk/fact/2009/sep/28/30-is-the-new-60

#24 - Flat Iron Steak Dinner, Medium Rare at Pete’s Cafe - $31

What a perfectly fine meal to enjoy after a long hard day of mining coal in the 1920s. You know who shouldn’t enjoy this meal? A woman (hahahaha. jk. notreallythough).

By woman, I very specifically mean - goes by the christian name “Nadia Jean Bacon”, single mother of three absolutely gorgeous dogs, scratching 30 (30 is the new 60!*), could lose a “few” pounds but is still within her BMI but hey let’s not push it, blogs at 2am in the morning, just remembered she has a wedding to go to in less than a week, just googled “Maple Syrup Diet”.

A Sunday consisting primarily of sleeping-in AND rigorous napping should not be rewarded with solid food and most certainly not a steak. Excuse me, I have to go look up the word “svelte” in the dictionary and act really surprised when the words “not you” stare back at me.

(1. if you are reading this and you are not my therapist. whoops. sorry. too! much! information! 

2. if you are reading this and you wrote this, stop lying about having a therapist and go find one on the internets. but first, go watch “Mission Impossible Raccoon” on Youtube.

3. if you are reading this and you are a guy, oh no no no. you should not be. 

*http://www.guardian.co.uk/fact/2009/sep/28/30-is-the-new-60

#18 - #23 The Same Dress from American Apparel x 7 - $216 My bad decisions come in every color. 

#18 - #23 The Same Dress from American Apparel x 7 - $216

My bad decisions come in every color. 

#17 - Level 3 Improv Classes - $350 Why am I so lame? I hate being on stage. I’m not an actress. I hate myself. I took this class along with some new-agey therapy sessions with a very lovely woman who made me draw pictures with crayons. I’m not sure if the two things are related but the whole thing stinks of a quarter-life crisis.  Improv classes are made up of sweaty people who think they are funny, proving that they are not.

#17 - Level 3 Improv Classes - $350

Why am I so lame? I hate being on stage. I’m not an actress. I hate myself. I took this class along with some new-agey therapy sessions with a very lovely woman who made me draw pictures with crayons. I’m not sure if the two things are related but the whole thing stinks of a quarter-life crisis. 

Improv classes are made up of sweaty people who think they are funny, proving that they are not.

#16 - Unlimited Yoga and Spin for a Month at YAS - $225 Let’s crunch some numbers. I bought my unlimited month pass to YAS on July 16. It expires on August 15th. Since buying this pass I have been to YAS twice. Once on July 16th and today. That means that I have 12 more days to get my monies worth. I have to take 2 to 3 YAS classes a day, everyday for the next 12 days to keep myself out of the empty noose that is dangling in my closet. I owe myself an attempt at vigorous exercise seeing as how the only form of it I got these last two weeks was when I had to get out of my car at the McDonald’s drive-thru to tell the guy that my order was wrong. (Sorry that run-on sentence was another attempt to burn a calorie.)

#16 - Unlimited Yoga and Spin for a Month at YAS - $225

Let’s crunch some numbers. I bought my unlimited month pass to YAS on July 16. It expires on August 15th. Since buying this pass I have been to YAS twice. Once on July 16th and today. That means that I have 12 more days to get my monies worth. I have to take 2 to 3 YAS classes a day, everyday for the next 12 days to keep myself out of the empty noose that is dangling in my closet. I owe myself an attempt at vigorous exercise seeing as how the only form of it I got these last two weeks was when I had to get out of my car at the McDonald’s drive-thru to tell the guy that my order was wrong. (Sorry that run-on sentence was another attempt to burn a calorie.)

#15 - War and Peace eBook - $5 I bought this on eBay thinking it was an audio compact disc. Uh, I can’t even read the three sentence eBay description for War and Peace without drifting off and not paying attention. 

#15 - War and Peace eBook - $5

I bought this on eBay thinking it was an audio compact disc. Uh, I can’t even read the three sentence eBay description for War and Peace without drifting off and not paying attention. 

#14 - Drive Time French, Set of Four CDs - $21 In an on-going attempt to look, sound and appear to be more interesting I bought these cds to learn French in my car. Also, I might go to Paris someday to buy some clothes and stare at women who have their shit together, physically speaking and wonder why I do not (Answer: lack of self control, no discipline, inability to feel shame when ordering a second helping of Pinkberry). The first cd teaches you how to say things about your car and driving. Useless! I don’t even know how to say shit about my car in English. Last month my car almost exploded because I forgot that cars need these things called oil changes. 

#14 - Drive Time French, Set of Four CDs - $21

In an on-going attempt to look, sound and appear to be more interesting I bought these cds to learn French in my car. Also, I might go to Paris someday to buy some clothes and stare at women who have their shit together, physically speaking and wonder why I do not (Answer: lack of self control, no discipline, inability to feel shame when ordering a second helping of Pinkberry).

The first cd teaches you how to say things about your car and driving. Useless! I don’t even know how to say shit about my car in English. Last month my car almost exploded because I forgot that cars need these things called oil changes. 

#13 - Manicure I got this afternoon- $15 :-( I picked the wrong color and I was too wimpy to speak up and tell the lady. I’m going to have to go to ANOTHER salon tomorrow and get a polish change and have them refiled ($5). Look at this color, it’s one shade away from being White-Out. Why did I think that would be a good idea. It only accentuates my rugged sausage-y vienna fingers. The transvestite next to me had more delicate hands. Girls with hands like these do not fall in love. Move along boys, these hands are not worth holding. *Burden of Proof (if the photo isn’t enough) A guy once told me it was as if I had stuck only my hands into a time machine. :-( A liquor store attendant once asked me if I did a lot of “hands-on” manual labor. :-( 

#13 - Manicure I got this afternoon- $15

:-( I picked the wrong color and I was too wimpy to speak up and tell the lady. I’m going to have to go to ANOTHER salon tomorrow and get a polish change and have them refiled ($5). Look at this color, it’s one shade away from being White-Out. Why did I think that would be a good idea. It only accentuates my rugged sausage-y vienna fingers. The transvestite next to me had more delicate hands. Girls with hands like these do not fall in love.

Move along boys, these hands are not worth holding.

*Burden of Proof (if the photo isn’t enough)

A guy once told me it was as if I had stuck only my hands into a time machine. :-(

A liquor store attendant once asked me if I did a lot of “hands-on” manual labor. :-( 

#12 - Hamper from Bed, Bath and Beyond that Keeps Pulling to the Right - $40 w/o Coupon  This thing can not hold two pairs of socks without tipping over. It’s so stupid and weak. I put a pair of jeans in there. Look at it buckling under pressure. I would not date this hamper if it was a man. 

#12 - Hamper from Bed, Bath and Beyond that Keeps Pulling to the Right - $40 w/o Coupon 

This thing can not hold two pairs of socks without tipping over. It’s so stupid and weak. I put a pair of jeans in there. Look at it buckling under pressure. I would not date this hamper if it was a man. 

#11 - Black and White Striped Leggings from American Apparel - $30 Only reserved for days that I need to add a little insult to injury. 

#11 - Black and White Striped Leggings from American Apparel - $30

Only reserved for days that I need to add a little insult to injury. 

#10 - Spanx - $80 These were a waste of money for obvious reasons - my body is flawless. That aside, if you’re a girl wearing Spanx and you’re hooking up with a guy, YOU SUCK. Guys don’t want to feel your thick grandma thermal underwears. Gross. Congratulations! You just made his boner go away. “But Eva Longoria wears Spanx” is not going to persuade him to call you back. It will only remind him that you weigh at least 30 more pounds than she does. Homework: Watch St. Elmo’s Fire and pay close attention to Rob Lowe’s reaction while he feels up Mare Winningham. KABOOM! That is your future.

#10 - Spanx - $80

These were a waste of money for obvious reasons - my body is flawless. That aside, if you’re a girl wearing Spanx and you’re hooking up with a guy, YOU SUCK. Guys don’t want to feel your thick grandma thermal underwears. Gross. Congratulations! You just made his boner go away. “But Eva Longoria wears Spanx” is not going to persuade him to call you back. It will only remind him that you weigh at least 30 more pounds than she does. Homework: Watch St. Elmo’s Fire and pay close attention to Rob Lowe’s reaction while he feels up Mare Winningham. KABOOM! That is your future.

#9 - Unused Death Cab for Cutie ticket at the Glass House in Pomona, California - $30 This happened (or didn’t happen, rather) when I was living in Fullerton. I drove up the 60 FWY early enough to beat traffic but way too early to hang around Pomona (it’s gross). I took a nap in my car to kill some time. I woke up hours later confused and sweaty in the Washington Mutual parking lot. The huge line to get in looked like such a hassle. I did the only logically thing, I drove home and went back to sleep. 

#9 - Unused Death Cab for Cutie ticket at the Glass House in Pomona, California - $30

This happened (or didn’t happen, rather) when I was living in Fullerton. I drove up the 60 FWY early enough to beat traffic but way too early to hang around Pomona (it’s gross). I took a nap in my car to kill some time. I woke up hours later confused and sweaty in the Washington Mutual parking lot. The huge line to get in looked like such a hassle. I did the only logically thing, I drove home and went back to sleep. 

#8 - Statue of a Dog Practicing Yoga - $12 A few months ago I was doing yoga three times a day. I mean, I was really really getting into it. One day after talking with the lovely receptionist about how important it is to nurture yourself, I spotted this little guy. I bought it because I love dogs and I like yoga. No brainer, right? I didn’t even talk myself out of it while the receptionist did a price check. It’s too heavy to throw away so I just hide it when people come over. 

#8 - Statue of a Dog Practicing Yoga - $12

A few months ago I was doing yoga three times a day. I mean, I was really really getting into it. One day after talking with the lovely receptionist about how important it is to nurture yourself, I spotted this little guy. I bought it because I love dogs and I like yoga. No brainer, right? I didn’t even talk myself out of it while the receptionist did a price check. It’s too heavy to throw away so I just hide it when people come over. 

#7 - Coconut and Pineapple Scented Dog Perfume - $6  Oy vey. What was I thinking? I’m positively sure that spraying my dogs to smell like Inland Empire strippers is abusive. Sorry. Guilty as charged. Look how bummed out the dog on the bottle is. That should have been my first clue. Second clue, looks like pee pee.

#7 - Coconut and Pineapple Scented Dog Perfume - $6

 Oy vey. What was I thinking? I’m positively sure that spraying my dogs to smell like Inland Empire strippers is abusive. Sorry. Guilty as charged. Look how bummed out the dog on the bottle is. That should have been my first clue. Second clue, looks like pee pee.

#6 - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Hard Cover - $24 I read this book in a day. Ummm. Lemme think. This was a waste of money because … Oh yeah, I’m not married. I don’t have a hope chest OR … a boyfriend! (refer to posts #5 and #2)

#6 - The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Hard Cover - $24

I read this book in a day. Ummm. Lemme think. This was a waste of money because … Oh yeah, I’m not married. I don’t have a hope chest OR … a boyfriend! (refer to posts #5 and #2)

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